Brain Splatter

It was raining when I came out of work today. I didn't expect it. I didn't have my umbrella with me, so I was wondering if I was going to get soaked waiting for a cab at the train station. It turns out that there were many cabs there and I didn't have to wait. I jumped in a cab after I got off my bus and came right home. Thank God. Praise Allah. Way to go Buddha!

It got me thinking about the weather. There is a saying, "Everyone complains about the weather but no one does anything about it." I am going to change that. I am going to make it my life's work to build a weather machine!

I know what you are thinking, that I am crazy--but I am not. I am going to use my fortune and spend countless hours doing research and then I am going to build it. I will call it the Weather Dominator in homage to the weather machine that was built by Cobra in the cartoon series G.I. Joe.

With my new found power to control the weather, I will make sure the the farmers get plenty of rain. I will make hurricanes miss populated areas or at least only the ones populated by people that I like. I will make sure that if I go on vacation it is a nice sunny day. I will blackmail the the world into kneeling at my feet or I will unleash the full fury of the raging storms!

Uh...OK. Maybe that last one was a bit too truthful. When I do have my Weather Dominator I will, unfortunately, probably end up using it for my own selfish ends. Maybe making myself supreme ruler of the world might be a bit much but large amounts of cash or maybe New England as my own personal kingdom isn't too much to ask, is it? I mean dammit, I am controlling the damn weather! You got to respect someone who can do that!

Now I just have to go and get to work on my device. I will let you know how it comes along. I don't expect the work to go quickly but hey, nothing worthwhile is easy. And once I get it up and running it will be a new day and you will all bow at my feet! I will have ultimate power! Moo-hoo-hahahaha!!! Or, I will just never have to worry about being caught without an umbrella again. Either way. Laterzzz...

Apparently some scientist in some country have said that Pluto is no longer a planet this week. So if you think it is, you are just wrong. Ain't that a bitch? Aren't you glad that in this day and age that you have all these scientists getting together probably having drinks and socializing making scientist jokes and discussing things that I know are utmost important in my life?

Who the fuck cares if Pluto is a planet? Why not just let it be a planet and go from there? Was it bothering somebody? Was nine planets just too much for these scientists to get a handle on? Where they sitting around going, "Shit, we have enough money to study 8 planets but that fucker Pluto--there is no cash for that?"

I think there might be a conspiracy going on here. Maybe the aliens have a base on Pluto? Maybe Pluto is covered with oil and the big oil companies wanted us to not look too closely at it? Maybe Pluto is made of the green cheese as opposed to the moon and the scientists were worried about a severe cracker shortage? I don't know.

I do know that if there is going to be a decision over what gets to be a planet and what doesn't it shouldn't be made by a bunch of socializing scientists. It should be made my some third graders. Because I think they would understand that we shouldn't be subtracting things we should be adding things. Then they would wonder why the hell these fucking drunk ass scientists don't have better things to do then sitting around telling us what is and isn't a planet. It's big and goes around the Sun? That good enough!

I for one am not taking their suggestions. I refuse to accept the demotion of Pluto. Fuck those scientists. I call on the world to not accept their arbitrary ruling and say, "Fuck no! Pluto won't go!" Pluto is a planet. 'Nuff said. Laterzzz...

// posted by Biff Manly @ 10:27 PM 0 comments

It got me thinking about blood though. You always carry it with you and you would die without it. You can feel it rush through your veins and at times you can hear it moving in there. I think women have a different kind of relationship with blood then men, considering the monthly appearance of blood is, in a way, what makes a woman a woman. Without that monthly cycle a woman can't have a baby, can't give life, and in some cultures, ceases to have any value. I don't believe that at all. I don't think that a person's value is at all based on their reproductive organs or their gender. I think that a person should be judged by their heart not by their blood.

I have today off. I don't usually have Saturdays off. We had a meeting at work on Thursday so I had to work. It was the same old bullshit about the same old bullshit. On one note, the meeting pretty much ended up having the theme of, "Would you like to talk to a supervisor." Which is actually pretty great. From now on if we are in doubt something or if it is about something semi-sensitive we no longer have to deal with the people all we have to do is refer them to a supervisor. The funny part is that the supervisors didn't seem to be too happy about the deal. Oh, well, tough. The way I figure it is, anything that makes my job easier, the better.

So in the news there is that loony toon guy in Singapore who says that he killed that girl Jean Benet. Why can't they just leave the fucker there and let the Singapore authorities kill his ass? Don't bring him back to the United States where there will just be a big trial. Even if he didn't kill her, he is a child molesting pedophile from all other reports, so he should just be killed anyway. It would save the government some money. Instead they are going to bring him back so we can have a media circus that distracts from the real issues going on in the world like wars and poverty and bad take out food.

OK, maybe bad take out doesn't fall on the same plain as other important world events but it does matter. See, after you have worked your ass off, or at least put in your time, at a shitty job and then you go and get some food from some joint, there is not much that sucks as much at the moment then realizing the food is "blah". Whether it be fries that aren't fresh or greasy pizza or Chinese food that doesn't taste like it should, you meal is ruined. And you feel like you just spent your hard earned money for nothing. Not to mention you end up eating that shit and getting sick. Also, that is just damn disappointing.

I hate to be disappointed. I am used to it though. That's life. Kind of like today when I thought that I was going to write an interesting entry here and then this is what came out. Just a bunch of disappointment. So it goes. Laterzzz....

// posted by Biff Manly @ 8:25 PM 0 comments

As you may have noticed, I seem to be in a slight mood. I am sick and fucking tired of the world. I had a meeting at work and it was just a bunch of bullshit. It's not that anything is any harder for me, it is just that you have managers acting like you are fucking launching nuclear weapons when you are doing some stupid little scheduling job and making slightly barely enough money to survive on.

On the plus side, I did have a really tasty Subway sub for dinner. It is always good to look on the bright side I suppose. I should see if I could get into a Subway eating contest. I could tackle two of those puppies, one in each hand with no problem. I wonder how many of the damn things I could suck down in like ten minutes? Might be fun to try. You got to love gluttony, huh?

So I have tomorrow off from work.I have to go get some blood drawn to make sure that I am really alive and then i am going to go to the grocery store. I really want some soup. Not just some ordinary Campbell's chicken poodle soup, I want some Raman. I want some of those noodles. I add some soy sauce, duck sauce, or spicy mustard that I have in a drawer from the times when I got Chinese food and you have a damn tasty treat. Plus, like me, they are cheap. Six for a buck sometimes. You really can't beat that can you? They are high in sodium if you use the whole seasoning packet but I usually don't. Hell, I will probably forget to buy them. That's just me.

I don't feel like writing anymore shit right now.Laterzzz...

// posted by Biff Manly @ 10:24 PM 0 comments

That is just if the power went out. My twisted mind now starts thinking about what if there is a hurricane? I don't have an emergency pack. I have no water put aside. I don't have shit. Fucking Katrina #2 or the fucking perfect storm is going to come and I am so screwed. I don't have a shotgun, as I have written before, so looting is out of the fucking picture. I need to be prepared.

I started looking at websites for emergency packs and all I can say is damn! Those things are expensive. Who would have thought that being prepared would break the damn bank? For example, check out this bag here: click bitch! (Now I like the set-up and all but I am just not going to pay five hundred to a thousand dollars for a damn safety pack. I know if it came down to the pack or surviving I would be more than will to pay for it but right now? No way.

I think that might be part of the problem with America. No one wants to squirrel away the nuts, save for a rainy day, save a stich to save nine, or invest in a ounce of cure for a pound of prevention. (OK, come on, that was a pretty awesome bunch of related cliches that I just strung together wasn't it?) I am no different. Except, I just don't have the cash. I think that I am going to have to start to buy a little at a time and then just hope that a big ass storm doesn't come running up the east coast and fuck everything up before I get my shit together. Or have I just cursed myself by even thinking about it? Fuck. Uh, knock on wood and fingers crossed and all that shit. Oh, I am so doomed. Fuck!

It'll probably just ending up being another in a long list of things that I put aside for another day. Damn procrastination! I am not going to procrastinate anymore! I am going to change! I am going to be all pro-active and go-getting and shit! But not tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Pause

I got in a disagreement with a person I will call Wrongy Wrongerson,(the name has been changed to protect the wrong). See, Wrongy had a wrap for lunch today, and I inquired as to whether she had put spicy brown mustard on the the wrap. Wrongy informed me that no, she had not, that she had regular mustard. I was aghast. How could you do such a thing, I inquired? Maybe you should bring some Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard to work with you? Wrongy said no, that regular mustard was good enough. Oh...my....Gawd! What did you say! I couldn't believe it. I was stunned, rocked even. How in the hell can you compare the delicious taste of Spicy Brown Mustard to regular mustard? One is delicious and goes on many foods making then taste much better and the other is like yellow paste. OK, regular French's mustard is semi-serviceable under the right combination, especially in a whoop-ass tag team with ketchup. But in a one on one falls count anywhere title match for mustard dominance it is all about the spicy brown, hands down.

Wrongy didn't agree. Or at least she said that she didn't. Well, it was more of an exasperated whatever kind of a thing. So in that case I won. Hey, I have to stand up for what I believe in considering that I don't believe in all that much. Anyone can have an opinion on peace in the middle east or the price of gas. I deal in condiments, baby. Don't even get me started on Mayonnaise.

I am thirsty. I want some soda. I am going to go get me some Diet Pepsi. Shit. I seem to have a lot of the product placement in this rant. I wish this was like a talk show where someone from the company would read it and then send me some of the things that I wrote about. Or like Nascar. I could wear patches on my underwear of the products I use. UPS would be in the back. The funniest scene in a movie about product placement was in Wayne's World where they are talking about how they won't be shills and such while they are wearing Reeboks and drinking Pepsi and I think it was Domino's pizza but it might have been Pizza Hut. Supposedly, the new movie with Will Farrell has some funny stuff about products because it is about Nascar. And we all know that race car drivers are whores for their advertisers. Not to say that is a bad thing. I would be a whore for you too if you wanted to give me a million dollars to drive around with your logo on my car. Shit, I would even shill stuff like Tampax and KY Jelly. Preparation H would be my friend, well, even more my friend.

Oh. I did go to the doctor today. I got a few happy pills but not the ones I want. I go back in a couple weeks to see if these work or not. Then I have to see about my migraines. God, I sound like some kind of weak and whiny bitch. But then you pretty much new that. I will write some more for tomorrow. Maybe about the terrorist thing that happened in England and why you can't bring a fucking bottle of Pepsi onto your seven hour flight across the Atlantic. Fucking ridickulous! (I know I spelled it wrong but this way it has the word "dick" in it...hehe!) Laterzzz...

// posted by Biff Manly @ 10:10 PM 0 comments

I am going to the doctor tomorrow. I want some happy pills. I want to be a very happy boy. I want some of that shit that they give to the celebrities. I want some stuff that is going to make the world be something easy to deal with. I am tired of dealing with the world in a totally normal kind of way. Well, normal for me. I want to be able to take a pill and then if I don't want to go to work, or if I am broke, or if I am lonely it won't seem so bad. There should be a pill that does that right?

I know that other people use alcohol and stuff to zone out but hell, I got good insurance. I should be able to get the pills I want when I want them. You always here on the news about doctors that prescribe all those pills, or about people who get prescribed all these good pills; I want that doctor. I want Dr. Feelgood. He can prescribe me some Viagra or Cialis. Then I will be Dr. Love.

Not that I think that all of life's ills can be cured by popping a pill. I don't think that the answer is in a bottle or in something you smoke or shoot-up. I mean that would be really fucking great if it was but that ain't how the world works. And this is coming from someone who does not smoke and very rarely drinks. Mostly cuz I am just too broke to afford too. OK not really, wait, yes really. Being a drunk does add up. That is why I think that pill thing might work a lot better. Oh, and if someone is out there that is working on inventing a pill that does cure all of life's ills; you got my full fucking support! And if it makes you thinner, buff, and with a large dick, you got my money!

Senator Lieberman here in Connecticut had a rough day yesterday. Did you all hear? No? Well, it seems the esteemed Junior Senator lost his bid for the Democratic nomination. Supposedly he lost it because of his support for President Bush's War. The other guy ran on a platform that was basically just pointing that out. So what does Lieberman do? Today he filed to run for Senate as an independent. Whatever.

I must say I don't like Lieberman. I don't like his stand on issues like video game violence and so-called immorality in Hollywood. He also clothes himself in the religious too much. I think if you want to be super-religious then be a priest or rabbi. A politician who plays the religion card too much is scary. A politician needs to listen to the will of the people, not the will of God. If God has something to say to the people She has our number and we will pass along the message to the politicians. She doesn't need an elected official acting as a go-between. A politician should be more interested in right or wrong and doing things for the public good. Let the clergy worry about our souls.

So Lieberman is now saying that the primary wasn't the will of the whole state of Connecticut and he is going to run for Senate. I won't vote for him. Isn't it funny how hard it is to get a politician out of office? Hell, I would have an easier time getting my fat ass into a size 32 pair of Levi's.

On that note I think I am done for now. I actually have a couple other things that I wanted to write about but I think that I will save that for tomorrow. I wouldn't want to use up all my topics at once. I want to get back in the habit of writing more often and if some days I go longer or go shorter that that is the will of the Muse. According to my word count I have made it over the 700 word count so that is enough. I hope I have held your interest and fondled your brain in a significant enough manner that you will come back and let me fondle you again. I like to fondle. Call it a hobby. Laterzzz...

// posted by Biff Manly @ 9:50 PM 1 comments