Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving Splatters
Two days to Thanksgiving. Well at least there was when I started writing this. Now there is one day.
I hate Thanksgiving time. I think I have said why before but I don't really feel like going into it now. Just say I don't really like it at all. I like the idea of it. And it isn't the day itself that I detest it is my own personal life experiences that I can't stand.
I like the idea of a decent feast. Stuffing yourself until you can't walk. The bird and the fixins and the deliciousness. I got no problem with that.
People say in other countries that us Americans are too fat. They are right. But then again who the hell cares what they think. They don't care what we think. As long as we don't invade them.
The turkeys on the other hand probably ain't too fond of the whole idea. I am sure if the turkeys could all gather together and have a turkey meeting they would vote that people start eating more goose. I have never had goose. I am not opposed to eating goose I have just never had the opportunity. The fucking things are everywhere nowadays though.
I think it was illegal to eat them because they had been hunted to near extinction. So people stopped. So now they are all over the place and shitting cigar sized turds and just making a mess of the joint.
I don't wish ill will on the geese. I just think that some animals need to develop a healthy fear of people. Like bears. And coyotes. Geese are relatively harmless. Bears kill and maul people. And coyotes do the same to pets. Geese don't really harm you unless you happen to be in the plane when one flies into the engine. Then that could be bad.
Speaking of being mauled, Friday is once again "Black Friday". Spooky, huh? It's no coincidence that maul and mall sound the same. When you go out to wait in lines and join that orgy of consumerism, you sometimes feel like you have been mauled by a bear. A great big bear. With big teeth. And sharp claws. And an aggressive sexual appetite. That might have a bit of fun with you before it rips you to pieces. All in good fun though.
There is no way in hell I would go to the store on Friday. Doubtful I would go on Saturday. Not feeling too good about Sunday either. I hate the maul. I mean mall. Stores in general bother me. I like doing my shopping online. Delivery charges suck but waiting in lines sucks more in my opinion. This year I am thinking everyone gets Amazon gift cards. Laterzzz...
Labels: goose, mall, thanksgiving, turkey
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Happy Turkey Day?
Two days to Thanksgiving. I don't like Thanksgiving. Not the least of the reasons is that as a fat guy you have the people that people are looking at you and saying, "I bet you really like Thanksgiving." Well, fuck all you people.
Yeah, I like to eat. Who don't? That is starting to be a crime in this country however. Eating. I think that in a few years, eating will be like smoking. Or at least being fat will be looked at like you are lighting up. Pretty soon you aren't going to be allowed to go into restaurants if you are fat or buy fast food or probably you will have your grocery purchases monitored. "Sorry Mr. Fatty McFaterson, you can't buy those chips because your BMI is in the red zone. You have to have carrots."
If you don't believe me then think on this, the reason that smoking was banned was because of second-hand smoke; recently they have come out with, and I shit you not, second-hand obesity. Apparently if you hang out with fatties, you will become fat.
Somehow the fat shoots off the massive ass of the overweight person and sticks to your previously svelte self.
Actually I guess they say that if you hang with fat people you don't mind being fat so much yourself. Or maybe you pick up their so called bad habits. But to quote the late great Rodney Dangerfield, " If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people!"
So what is going to happen, and again, I am not making this shit up, is that pretty soon all junk food is going to be taxed just like smokes are. Fat people will be the new smokers. Except because they are fat you can make fun of them. Fat children will be put into special classes where they are made to learn nutrition information from forth rate nutritionists and made to exercise to burn off the pounds and build "self-esteem". Because nothing burns self-esteem like being singled out in school by child psychologists, guidance councillors, and other leaches on the education system.
Then of course, when all that stuff fails the child will be removed from the home by a child protective agency. I mean you can be a crack addict but you should have your children. You can be some freaky religious nut but you can have your children. But if the kids don't meet the ideal body weight they will be removed from the home and either placed in an institution or maybe a foster home, where they can learn what abuse really is.
Or maybe I am over reacting? Probably right. That kind of thing would never actually happen. Yeah, right.
Don't worry America. The issue of fat kids will take care of itself. America is heading for some hard times. Maybe even a depression. The evidence is clear: high housing prices, lots of foreclosures, high paying manufacturing jobs being replaced by low wage service jobs, the rise of the Chinese economy, unregulated immigration, rise energy prices, rising prices for everything, and wages at an all time low. The future looks grim.
That shouldn't stop you from stuffing your face though! Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow you may die! HAHAHA. Seriously though. Enjoy the holiday. It isn't about the petty things in life or even about the food. It should be about spending time with the people you love and the ones that love you. Hold on to them because they won't be around forever. Laterzzz...
Labels: fat, obese, school, thanksgiving
