Thursday, December 31, 2009
Balls
I think with my balls. Yes, I said it.
I am not driven by them in every aspect of the world. I do have a mind. I don't follow around my dick like it was the only street sign on an unfamiliar road with arrows pointing to the nearest towns. But they do influence a lot of my day.
I have found though that if my balls are happy I am happy. If my balls are sad. I, am sad.
If they itch, do I not scratch?
I know there are times when I am about to have a panic attack, one of the places I feel it is in my balls. The skin pulls up as the fear and terror chemicals rush into my system. It must be part of the old flight or fight reaction. I do know that sometimes I will feel anxious and everything is OK. Once the skin on the balls tightens and they pull up, yeah, it's gonna be a bad one.
Quick Joke--Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? They don't have balls to scratch.
Seriously, and maybe unfortunately I don't think about my balls unless something is wrong. For example, I have sat on my balls before. I think every guy has. For some reason you get one of those days when they are just hanging wrong and you sit and one of the boys just wasn't out of the way. That is not fun. Also when one of them somehow gets between or out of the elastic of my underwear. That is just awful. They say that men should wear boxers because of sperm count issues but boxers just don't support the junk the same. Swinging loose has its place don't get me wrong, but I do prefer briefs. Besides if I want to swing loose I can just go commando. That does prevent another bad scene that happens sometimes in summer--the front wedgie. If you have had a rear wedgie, and who hasn't? It's the same with the front except with the balls and sack. It's just not fun to have uncomfortable testicles.
That brings us to sex. The true purpose for balls. I could write about sex. About how the balls pull tight, loosen, swing, move, slap, and whatever. I could talk about how good it feels when someone else gets around to handling something that is mostly yours most of the time. The only problem is, it's been so long I have totally forgot what that was like. I need to find someone to be kind to my testicles for me. I am tired of being the only one to appreciate them. I think I have a new years resolution right there. Laterzzz...
P.S.--I didn't really cover women and balls. I think mostly because as long as they aren't punching them, kicking them, or biting them woman and balls live a harmonious life. I have found that a woman will usually threaten to "cut your dick off" before she makes a threat toward the balls.
P.P.S--At the same time, I do want to find a woman to be nice to my balls. Maybe Sarah Palin. She supported Teabaggers. Laterzzz 2.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas
Christmas is the best holiday. Hands down. There really is no need to argue.
I don't just mean that it is the best Christian holiday either. I am going to be so bold as to say that Christmas, as it stands right now, is the best holiday of them all.
I am not saying anything about religion here. Worship as you will. I am talking about celebrating. How people observe the holiday. How people treat others during the holiday. What people do during that holiday. And yes, under these criteria, Christmas is victorious.
At Christmas people give presents. They are not limited to one. They are not limited to kind. The giving of presents is actually wide open. You can give the presents to who you want, and when you want. In fact, the whole idea is that it is better to give than receive. Even though any second grader will tell you that concept makes very little sense at all. It is true though, half of the greatness of Christmas is being able to give a gift to someone just to see them smile. We may wrap up other adult concerns into the giving but that is our own baggage we bring. The giving is pure.
Generally at Christmastime, people get together, have a party, eat, drink, be merry all the fun things. You might have a Christmas dinner with family, with friends, co-workers, or in some cases complete strangers. The idea is that this time of year you are supposed to act like you should act the rest of the year. You are allowed to be friendly and helpful. You are encouraged to think of others first. It's the time of year when we should be the best us we can be. It's the time of year when we realize what shits we are to each other the rest of the year.
I also think that the Christmas decorations rock. Halloween has some great decorations don't get me wrong. The thing is they can tend toward the macabre if not just downright scary. Not so at Christmas. We got trees. We got glass bulbs, garland, and things made of silver and gold. And we got lights, baby, lots and lots of lights. Nothing is too over the top. Nothing is too garish. And if you think that house down the street with the reindeer on the roof and Santa waving from the chimney while a giant blow up snowman on the lawn shimmers in 10, ooo glowing lights is not classy enough for your neighborhood? Well, mister, you are just a party pooper. A big fat party pooper who should get a little Christmas spirt.
Just because I have a love for Christmas doesn't mean I am putting down any other holiday. In fact my love of Christmas says that I embrace the best that everyone in the world has to offer. I would hang a menorah on my tree in a heartbeat and wish any son of Islam a Merry Christmas. You don't have to believe in Christmas. Christmas believes in you.
If I say, "Have a Merry Christmas." I am not saying, "I don't respect you." I am saying, "I hope the best for you on this day that I hold close to my heart." I don't see how that can be considered an insult.
So what you got to do is have fun this Christmas. Love the ones you love. Smile at the world. Help those who can use the help if it is in your power. Think of the best version of yourself that you can be. And then get up and be that person. If you can be that person one day a year, maybe you can be that person two days a year? Who knows, if you try hard enough you might be able to make it feel like Christmas all year long. Would that be a bad thing? Laterzzz...
