Monday, January 05, 2009

However I am fucking feeling...

I don't want to write about desperation. I don't want to write about living in a time and place where everything has been done. Everything has been seen. And right now the we are not on a roller coaster where we've just gone over that one big hill and the ride is the thing. We are on our way into the station and its time for the next riders to get on the coaster.

Even that doesn't explain. A time, a place, nothing new. Standing on a cliff and feeling it give way and you know that you should have brought your parachute. You were told to bring your parachute. You had packed your parachute and worn it all day. But then right before you walk over to look down the cliff you took off your parachute. Why? Why the fuck would you do such a thing. You knew you were going to be falling. You knew that the edge was coming. The whole point of the trip was to walk to the edge and jump off and now you are starting to tumble and no fucking parachute.

I am just tired. Tired of the shit. Tired of being stuck on this fucking mud ball hurling around this fucking 6th rate sun in this miserable backwater Galaxy. Someone has to come up with something better. Anything. Something. Nothing. I don't really fucking care what. I am tired of ignore the hurt and numbing the pain and being a piece of shit floating in the giant toilet that is this place.

We were fucking lied to. Lied to about what this place could have been. Lied to about hope and the future and love. Lied to about everything. Maybe we expected too much. Maybe we were naive? Maybe we were just too lazy?

Or maybe everything that we were supposed to have or become was collected, parceled out, and used up? How can you explore in a word of fences? There is no where to go and when you get there someone is there already. Selling fucking t-shirts with funny sayings on them. How many t-shirts with fucking funny sayings on them do you need? Can you ever have enough?

Fuck it if I know. I just don't want to be tired all the time. So bored that sleeping is the only option cuz it makes the time go by and then so mad at myself for sleeping that I can't sleep until the next time when all I want to do is sleep. Maybe I just want to open a T-shirt stand? On Mars. Got to do something, right? Laterzzz.

Oh yeah. Happy Fucking New Year.

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