Brain Splatter

That is not true. Part of me had a great deal of intention to answer. That part wanted to answer and say, "What the fuck are you doing calling me at 10:13 am?" I let the voicemail take it. Then I listened to the message, and I got really pissed.

It was about nothing. Well, better to say it was about nothing important. One of the "people" (I am going to try to be nice) I work with, called to ask about a scheduling question. And it wasn't a hard question! There is a manager in the office who makes way more fucking money than I do, ask her!

This is the point in the rant where I remind the kind reader that I make dick. Hell, I don't even think I make enough to qualify for making dick. I sure as hell don't get paid to answer questions when I am not on the clock. And I doubly sure as double hell don't get paid enough to answer idiotic questions at 10:13 am in the morning. If you pay me more money and make it part of the job, yeah, I will answer, but until that day comes along my fat ass is not answering the phone; and I didn't call back.

I chose not to call back because I think I would have lost my temper. I been kind of in a mood lately. I am trying to get my shit together still (it is a journey not a destination is how I am looking at it right now), and I was going to get up today and try to get some cleaning and some organizing of my apartment done. Like I said earlier, I don't like wasting the daylight. So after I was fuming for a bit and choosing not to call I fell back asleep. So it goes...

I then did get up and started to do laundry and clean my damn house. It is weird for such a small place and for the fact that I don't seem to buy that much stuff, I do have a lot of clutter. Maybe the outward chaos of my apartment is a reflection of the inner chaos that I have inside? Or maybe I am just a lazy bastard? Can it be two things? Let's go with that then.

I was just wondering to myself what I am going to say to the person who called me tomorrow? I mean do I say the old standard,"I didn't get you message until later."? Or do I actually tell the truth but couch it as a joke, "I saw that it was you and decided not to answer...haha."? It would be great if we lived in a society where I could just say the truth but not as a joke and then add, "Yeah, and for the record...how retarded are you to call me on my day off for such a stupid question, or even at all?"

The problem with that is that I know how retarded she is and we don't live in that kind of society. I think people like to be lied to. They want to know that everything is fine and that there is nothing to worry about.

Most times, the worst thing you can ever say to a person is the truth. Don't believe me? Then imagine telling your sister her husband is cheating on her. How about something less devastating? How many people would tell someone that they have a big booger hanging from their nose. Most people would just ignore it or maybe wipe their own nose to subconsciously indicate the hanger. Yeah, you want to save a person from embarrassment but it is also because sometimes telling people the truth is hurtful. It is much easier to just stick our heads in the sand like an ostrich.

There is an old saying, 'Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies'. Is that the kind of world you want to live in? A world where we ignore the truth until a problem bites us on the ass? I don't. I think that is why I am trying to be better than I have been. I want to be a person who does tell the truth because they have nothing to fear. Fear is the father of lies.

I will be honest. I probably won't go in and say I didn't call because I didn't want to be bothered. I will probably make a joke. On some level I will be mad at myself and move on. Why? Because, I am not at a point where I can just say what is on my mind and let the chips fall where they may. I might make dick, but I need that little bit of cash to put a roof over my head and right now, I fear losing it. Most of us do. It is called not rocking the boat.

But hopefully, sooner rather than later I will be to a point where I can rock the boat. I will turn that mother over. I have looked inside myself, and yes I have seen things that I do not like, so I am changing them. Or at least trying to.

Have you?

Laterzzz...

this rant went to a weird place...I was going to edit it but then I thought it is about being honest to myself...so it goes...