Friday, November 25, 2005
Thanksgiving
November 24, 2005
Ok. So we have reached another Thanksgiving. I hope that the day saw you and yours with all the best. I had to work. But I made double time and a half so if that isn’t the bright lining I don’t know what is.
Now I do have a very important topic to cover today. I feel that it is a topic that is vital to the nation’s well being if not that of the world. The topic comes down to one simple line with seven simple words:
Don’t put fruit in the fucking stuffing!
Stuffing should not have fruit in it. Plain and simple. Don’t put apples, raisins, dates or figs near my fucking stuffing. If you even bring a cranberry into the same area code I can not be held responsible for what I do.
A stuffing should have meat. Sausage or turkey or whatever. It should be flavored with meat. No vegetarian crap. I don’t really care if the stuffing was cooked in the bird or not. That is what I call personal preference. It should have bread of some sort. Be it crumbs or even the Pepperidge Farms bagged stuff. And then some spices of some kind. If you are reaching for the celery well it better be really small and easy on the onions and mushrooms. Preferably there should be nothing besides sausage in the stuffing that is easily identifiable. That is perfect. That is harmony.
Oh and while I am on the topic, it is called STUFFING, not dressing. Dressing is what you put on a salad. Dressing comes in thousand island, Italian, and blue cheese. The bread product that you jam up a Turkey’s ass is stuffing. Ergo the name. Get it?
Let me relate a story. One year I went over my Aunt’s house. She was so proud of the stuffing she had made. I looked at it and it looked like a loaf of bread had thrown up a fruit salad. There were pears and apples and some other fruity ingredients. To be nice I took a little. Like a teaspoon full. All I could think is that perhaps she had been angry when she was cooking because this stuff had the consistency of apple sauce yet still had the appearance of chunks. Needless to say, I did not have seconds.
My Aunt, who is a nice lady overall really isn’t much of a cook. The horrid part is that she thinks she is. It’s not that she realizes that she’s not very good and tries it’s that she thinks that she is good, but she is not. One year, she had run out of gravy, or didn’t buy any, I can’t remember which. I needed the Heimlich maneuver to get the dry mashed potatoes down. Not good.
I did have good stuffing at her house once. One year she ordered a stuffing off of the QVC. QVC for those of you who don’t know is a network that sells products on TV. Most of the stuff is crap that no one should ever buy and that will never look or taste as good in your home as it does when it is sold by the hosts on QVC. These hosts have smiles welded to their faces and are so peppy and up it is like you gave a squirrel Red Bull.
So she had order the stuffing. She told us that she had and thought we might like to try a little before dinner. I took out my phone and dialed 9-1 just in case but when I tasted it, it was good. Damn good. And you know what? There was no fucking fruit anywhere to be seen. The stuffing was moist and flavorful, had sausage in it, and didn’t even need gravy. The turkey on the other hand would have choked a goat. It sucked the gravy up like a black hole. But that’s another story. Laterzzz…
Ok. So we have reached another Thanksgiving. I hope that the day saw you and yours with all the best. I had to work. But I made double time and a half so if that isn’t the bright lining I don’t know what is.
Now I do have a very important topic to cover today. I feel that it is a topic that is vital to the nation’s well being if not that of the world. The topic comes down to one simple line with seven simple words:
Don’t put fruit in the fucking stuffing!
Stuffing should not have fruit in it. Plain and simple. Don’t put apples, raisins, dates or figs near my fucking stuffing. If you even bring a cranberry into the same area code I can not be held responsible for what I do.
A stuffing should have meat. Sausage or turkey or whatever. It should be flavored with meat. No vegetarian crap. I don’t really care if the stuffing was cooked in the bird or not. That is what I call personal preference. It should have bread of some sort. Be it crumbs or even the Pepperidge Farms bagged stuff. And then some spices of some kind. If you are reaching for the celery well it better be really small and easy on the onions and mushrooms. Preferably there should be nothing besides sausage in the stuffing that is easily identifiable. That is perfect. That is harmony.
Oh and while I am on the topic, it is called STUFFING, not dressing. Dressing is what you put on a salad. Dressing comes in thousand island, Italian, and blue cheese. The bread product that you jam up a Turkey’s ass is stuffing. Ergo the name. Get it?
Let me relate a story. One year I went over my Aunt’s house. She was so proud of the stuffing she had made. I looked at it and it looked like a loaf of bread had thrown up a fruit salad. There were pears and apples and some other fruity ingredients. To be nice I took a little. Like a teaspoon full. All I could think is that perhaps she had been angry when she was cooking because this stuff had the consistency of apple sauce yet still had the appearance of chunks. Needless to say, I did not have seconds.
My Aunt, who is a nice lady overall really isn’t much of a cook. The horrid part is that she thinks she is. It’s not that she realizes that she’s not very good and tries it’s that she thinks that she is good, but she is not. One year, she had run out of gravy, or didn’t buy any, I can’t remember which. I needed the Heimlich maneuver to get the dry mashed potatoes down. Not good.
I did have good stuffing at her house once. One year she ordered a stuffing off of the QVC. QVC for those of you who don’t know is a network that sells products on TV. Most of the stuff is crap that no one should ever buy and that will never look or taste as good in your home as it does when it is sold by the hosts on QVC. These hosts have smiles welded to their faces and are so peppy and up it is like you gave a squirrel Red Bull.
So she had order the stuffing. She told us that she had and thought we might like to try a little before dinner. I took out my phone and dialed 9-1 just in case but when I tasted it, it was good. Damn good. And you know what? There was no fucking fruit anywhere to be seen. The stuffing was moist and flavorful, had sausage in it, and didn’t even need gravy. The turkey on the other hand would have choked a goat. It sucked the gravy up like a black hole. But that’s another story. Laterzzz…
// posted by Biff Manly @ 1:22 AM 
